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I Love You, I do.

I’ve read over that poem you like. And I’ve read the other ones I’ve written about you throughout these years. I’m sorry for what I said. Being dismissive about my feelings, it’s an easy escape to deny and minimize. It’s also a bad habit of mine which makes things worse, I know.

I guess I never knew what to do with them. I couldn’t tell you, but I could write. I’m glad I did. And I’m sad I did. I still haven’t told you, maybe I never will.

I’m in love with you. I was in love with you then. And I’m afraid I still am. I just don’t know how to love.

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Posted by on August 24, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

Wiggle and Sip

I’m sitting at the bar, Long Island ice tea. Straight from the office: dress, heals, cardigan and all.

Adjust my glasses.

They’re fake, but I’ve been wearing them for three weeks now.

Office job.

Wheeling and dealing, respectable business woman.

Fake glasses.

Another sip while I write this.

My three lives, I think.

Business is one.

Tristan.

He is.

My life.

My everything is poured into him.

Wringing myself out.

I can’t stop moving.

Rocking in my seat,

head tilt,

wiggle my toes.

Sit back as a couple enters the bar.

HE GETS YUENGLING!

Cook yells from the side.

What’ll it be? She asks the woman.

Jack and coke.

O! bartender says enthusiastically. Yea girl!

I start to relax. More people puts me at ease. I can disappear into the crowd, not always something easy for me.

Sip my drink,

this is why I stopped at the cave: to disappear into the crowd, even if only for a few moments.

Sip.

Adjust my glasses.

Wiggle in my seat.

Third life…

My other life.

.

.

Adjust my glasses.

Finger my straw.

Stretch my back.

Lean against my chair.

My other life, my real life:

The life where I’m me.

My dark, base desires.

I NEED TO PUMP AND DUMP!, Another woman shouts from the other side of the bar.

Exactly.

My dark and base desires.

I lean forward and wiggle my ass back into my chair,

Spread my legs apart,

press my hips down, into my seat.

Some woman is talking about Pelosi with the cook. She imitates Nancy’s laugh and it’s pretty spot on.

My senses are dulling with every sip.

My pussy is waiting.

The cook starts chatting me. O man, he’s a wild one.

To be honest I was hoping a man I used to know would be here.

Jeff.

Old, grizzled bartender.

We fucked once in the back room of this bar.

My fucking cunt is whispering to me.

She needs cock.

She needs fucked bad.

She needs to be fucked.

Rough.

With a hard prick and a firm hand.

I want to fuck someone here.

I don’t care about anything except getting off.

Do you think the guy next to me would fuck me?

Do you think he will make me cum?

Are you picturing my pussy pressed against this chair?

Short dress riding up.

Wiggling and sipping.

 
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Posted by on May 9, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

S2E14

Building panic attack until:

It’s that moment when Jack “dies.”

It’s that moment when I realized if something were to happen to me, no one would know until it’s too late.

Totally alone.

Kevin reminds me so much of Tyler.

 
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Posted by on March 22, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

What creates madness?

What is the purpose of madness?

 
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Posted by on February 25, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

My Two Lives

Quarter to 6 the alarm goes off.

Snooze twice.

Lay in bed dread the day.

Begrudgingly open my eyes, read the news.

There’s usually a lot going on, a lot to catch up on.

Some days I drown my thoughts with fluff pieces: animal videos, top ten lists, adorable kids, people doing amazing things.

Anything but what lay ahead of me.

Struggle out of bed.

Get ready for work, all the while rushing.

I’m already late.

Traffic is unpredictable.

Work.

It’s hard to focus. There’s so much going on all the time.

Socializing is my reprieve, but work’s not getting done when that happens.

It’s much needed. This is little break from my home life.

Gasping for air.

It’s a rollercoaster all day.

Work, fuck off, worry repeat.

I dread going home.

Never know what I’m coming home to.

Seems like things keep getting worse.

Everything is unpredictable, volatile, stressful.

I hold my breath until he’s asleep.

It’s already late, past 10.

I can’t relax, can’t sleep, can’t get anything done.

I try to keep quiet and not think, but there’s a broken record playing.

And I can’t sleep, can’t relax; It’s past eleven.

All I want is sleep.

 
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Posted by on February 9, 2019 in Diary, Poetry

 

Open Legs Closed Heart

Stay just a little while longer.

Let me hold this moment.

I keep thinking that this is the last and it fills me with sorrow.

When you come it’s a reprieve, but only for this moment.

You can’t stay here.

I need you to go.

I want this moment to last for so long, the feeling tears my heart in two.

You can’t stay.

I need you to go.

 
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Posted by on January 13, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

Dan and then Shawn

In high school I stumbled into a relationship with Dan, at least that’s the way it seemed to me. He was a jock, popular, funny, outgoing. Everyone said he looked like Usher. That’s all I knew of him and his adorable dimples.  He was older and closer to manhood than any of the boys I knew, so sure of himself and his place in the world. The carnival came in August. Terry and I had been friends since I moved to town in sixth grade. She was always talking me into things like this; we were always on an adventure. I met Dan at the carnival the Summer before tenth. He was with Dave, but they were always together. The boys invited us to ditch the carnival to come with them to a friend’s party.

Pretend I’m your boyfriend, he said. It will keep guys from bothering you.

How chivalrous. He took my hand and we were off. Not long after that night I gave Dan my virginity. My first real boyfriend was a popular wrestler who was endlessly witty and very sweet to me. We broke up a few months later. He kept asking me to suck his dick. Too anxious to perform, I kept saying no. I couldn’t handle the pressure. I had never done it and I wanted to impress him. The more he asked, the more I said no. I was heartbroken, but I had made my choice as well.

I met Shawn the year prior to meeting Dan. We had study hall and sat next to each other (alphabetical order in the lunch room.) Study hall should not have been that intimidating but Shawn was something else. He was chatty and smiled easily. Months later when we became friends. He would come over, we’d drive around, stargaze, just talk. We didn’t hang out as much when he was dating Dana. But after they split, and Dan and I were together, we still made time.

He said, I don’t understand why you’re dating a guy like Dan.

What do you mean? Because he’s a jock; because you play football too? I laughed a little.

No, he grew more serious. I don’t get what you see in him.

I was surprised by his consideration. It sounded like he had tried to find a reason and became frustrated when he couldn’t figure it out.

I just didn’t think he was your type.

Well he’s hot and funny. And he likes me, I declared. What’s not to like?

I don’t think he’s that funny. And he’s not even nice!

Well he’s nice to me.

Is he?

Yeah, actually.

I just don’t see why anyone is friends with that guy. He’s not a good guy.

This is the first time Shawn’s been upset like this. I’d never seen him angry, but the more he spoke, the more upset he became. I didn’t understand. They ran in the same circle. They were friends or, so I thought.

When Dan broke it off with me, Shawn was very supportive. He came over and we spent more time together. My little sister had the biggest crush on Shawn and loved when he visited. She gushed over him every time.

You should date Shawn. He’s so dreamy.

She’s right. He was so dreamy. Those big, blue eyes were magical. If he would have asked, I would have…

One night Shawn came over and invited me to Marc’s house. Marc, another popular jock was the head of their crew. They were partying. It was nothing big, just some of the guys hanging out. A couple might bring their girlfriends. Who knows? It could be fun.

Are you sure it’s a good idea?

Why wouldn’t it be?

Is Dan going to be there? I don’t want to run into him.

No, I don’t think he will show. But even if he did, it will be fine.

Won’t it be awkward?

Why would it?

Because Dan just dumped me. Do you really think it’s a good idea I’m seen tagging along with you?

Ahh, no one will care. I promise. You’re with me and I’ll protect you.

And what if they say you’re after Dan’s sloppy seconds?

Then I’ll tell them it’s not like that, because it’s not.

Was he really sacrificing his high school image to be friends with me? Social suicide?! I had nothing to lose. These weren’t my friends and I’d probably never go to Marc’s house again. Curiosity won and off we went.

Marc lived in an upper middle-class development. His house was disappointingly empty when we arrived. There was a couple of guys hanging out, Marc’s younger brother Matt was playing N64. Marc wasn’t even home yet. It was anticlimactic.

Do you want to take a walk?

Sure. We took off into the dark, this part of the neighborhood was foreign and like a maze. Don’t get us lost!

I won’t. I know where we are.

I believe him, and I trusted him. We walked and talked. At one point we cut between some houses. It was pitch black and the trees were so tall. Lights from the closest windows were off in the distance. The night was quiet and cool. The moon was bright. He pulled me to a stop. Looking up the stars freckling the sky. It was so beautiful we stood in silence just soaking the night in.

Let’s stop here for a little bit. I’m not in a rush to get back.

Me either, I thought. Lying in the grass, faces to the sky we considered a lot of different things that night. After some time, the cool grass sent a chill through me and I began to shiver.

Are you cold? He laughed, we can go soon.

I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay with him just like this until I couldn’t stand it any longer.

Can I kiss you first, before we go?

I look up at him. The moon illuminated his face. Those big blue eyes sparkled. I shook my head. He moved in slow, hands on my cheeks. His mouth was warm and soft, his tongue sweet. O! how I wanted this for so long. His hands moved across my stomach, shifting my shirt, exposing my breasts.

He moved closer pressing his chest to mine. His body was strong and firm. His movement was deliberate and deft. I wanted him to want me and arched my back towards him. He kissed my neck as he moved his legs to straddle me. He sat up, looking down on me. His touch made my body ache, I wanted more. Shawn thrusted against my chest. I could feel his prick through his jeans.

Push your tits together. He inched his way closer. He was crawling his legs up my chest, eventually his thighs were over my arms.

Shawn began undoing his pants. What was happening?

He pushed his boxers down, pulled out his cock. It was already hard.

My eyes widened. What was he going to do with that? He thrusts hard between my breasts.

You don’t want to suck it?

I’m winced back, no.

Just suck it a little. You won’t know if you like unless you do it.

I was trapped. He legs held my arms as he sat on my chest. He pressed his dick against my lips.

C’mon! Suck it and we will leave. That’s the only way.

He had me, we both knew it. He pressed his prick to my lips. I didn’t want it like this. I wanted him, but not like this. He pressed harder and I shook my head. He rubbed the head of his cock against my mouth until the wetness parted my lips.

See! You’ve already tasted it, now you can just put it in your mouth. It’s no big deal.

I turned my head away, his precum smeared across my cheek. I turned back, Shawn pushed his cock into my mouth.

Shh… he started digging into my mouth. It’s already in. It’s OK, just take it.

I couldn’t stop it, my mouth relaxed.

There you go….

I was in shock and couldn’t believe this was happening. It wasn’t long before he came in my mouth. I could feel him pulsing with each pump.

Immediately after he stood, See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

I rolled over and spit his semen into the grass.

He laughed, don’t like the taste, huh?

I stood with him and wiped my mouth on my sleeve.

Let’s go.

In silence we finished walking through that yard. Further up the street is Marc’s and I could see Shawn’s car in the drive. We were never far away, never lost. When we got back, more people had arrived, but we didn’t stay long. Shawn took me home. I didn’t hear from Shawn after that night.

I think about that night and often catch myself wondering about him. A few years after high school I ran into Marc’s bother Matt at a bar and asked about Shawn. He mentioned something about marriage, but I daydreamed about running into him again.

What would have happened if he hadn’t forced me and I was able to be with him when I was ready.

That didn’t happen. My first time was forced.

Given the chance, I’d still fuck him.

 
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Posted by on December 2, 2018 in Diary