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My Two Lives

Quarter to 6 the alarm goes off.

Snooze twice.

Lay in bed dread the day.

Begrudgingly open my eyes, read the news.

There’s usually a lot going on, a lot to catch up on.

Some days I drown my thoughts with fluff pieces: animal videos, top ten lists, adorable kids, people doing amazing things.

Anything but what lay ahead of me.

Struggle out of bed.

Get ready for work, all the while rushing.

I’m already late.

Traffic is unpredictable.

Work.

It’s hard to focus. There’s so much going on all the time.

Socializing is my reprieve, but work’s not getting done when that happens.

It’s much needed. This is little break from my home life.

Gasping for air.

It’s a rollercoaster all day.

Work, fuck off, worry repeat.

I dread going home.

Never know what I’m coming home to.

Seems like things keep getting worse.

Everything is unpredictable, volatile, stressful.

I hold my breath until he’s asleep.

It’s already late, past 10.

I can’t relax, can’t sleep, can’t get anything done.

I try to keep quiet and not think, but there’s a broken record playing.

And I can’t sleep, can’t relax; It’s past eleven.

All I want is sleep.

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Posted by on February 9, 2019 in Diary, Poetry

 

Open Legs Closed Heart

Stay just a little while longer.

Let me hold this moment.

I keep thinking that this is the last and it fills me with sorrow.

When you come it’s a reprieve, but only for this moment.

You can’t stay here.

I need you to go.

I want this moment to last for so long, the feeling tears my heart in two.

You can’t stay.

I need you to go.

 
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Posted by on January 13, 2019 in Uncategorized

 

Dan and then Shawn

In high school I stumbled into a relationship with Dan, at least that’s the way it seemed to me. He was a jock, popular, funny, outgoing. Everyone said he looked like Usher. That’s all I knew of him and his adorable dimples.  He was older and closer to manhood than any of the boys I knew, so sure of himself and his place in the world. The carnival came in August. Terry and I had been friends since I moved to town in sixth grade. She was always talking me into things like this; we were always on an adventure. I met Dan at the carnival the Summer before tenth. He was with Dave, but they were always together. The boys invited us to ditch the carnival to come with them to a friend’s party.

Pretend I’m your boyfriend, he said. It will keep guys from bothering you.

How chivalrous. He took my hand and we were off. Not long after that night I gave Dan my virginity. My first real boyfriend was a popular wrestler who was endlessly witty and very sweet to me. We broke up a few months later. He kept asking me to suck his dick. Too anxious to perform, I kept saying no. I couldn’t handle the pressure. I had never done it and I wanted to impress him. The more he asked, the more I said no. I was heartbroken, but I had made my choice as well.

I met Shawn the year prior to meeting Dan. We had study hall and sat next to each other (alphabetical order in the lunch room.) Study hall should not have been that intimidating but Shawn was something else. He was chatty and smiled easily. Months later when we became friends. He would come over, we’d drive around, stargaze, just talk. We didn’t hang out as much when he was dating Dana. But after they split, and Dan and I were together, we still made time.

He said, I don’t understand why you’re dating a guy like Dan.

What do you mean? Because he’s a jock; because you play football too? I laughed a little.

No, he grew more serious. I don’t get what you see in him.

I was surprised by his consideration. It sounded like he had tried to find a reason and became frustrated when he couldn’t figure it out.

I just didn’t think he was your type.

Well he’s hot and funny. And he likes me, I declared. What’s not to like?

I don’t think he’s that funny. And he’s not even nice!

Well he’s nice to me.

Is he?

Yeah, actually.

I just don’t see why anyone is friends with that guy. He’s not a good guy.

This is the first time Shawn’s been upset like this. I’d never seen him angry, but the more he spoke, the more upset he became. I didn’t understand. They ran in the same circle. They were friends or, so I thought.

When Dan broke it off with me, Shawn was very supportive. He came over and we spent more time together. My little sister had the biggest crush on Shawn and loved when he visited. She gushed over him every time.

You should date Shawn. He’s so dreamy.

She’s right. He was so dreamy. Those big, blue eyes were magical. If he would have asked, I would have…

One night Shawn came over and invited me to Marc’s house. Marc, another popular jock was the head of their crew. They were partying. It was nothing big, just some of the guys hanging out. A couple might bring their girlfriends. Who knows? It could be fun.

Are you sure it’s a good idea?

Why wouldn’t it be?

Is Dan going to be there? I don’t want to run into him.

No, I don’t think he will show. But even if he did, it will be fine.

Won’t it be awkward?

Why would it?

Because Dan just dumped me. Do you really think it’s a good idea I’m seen tagging along with you?

Ahh, no one will care. I promise. You’re with me and I’ll protect you.

And what if they say you’re after Dan’s sloppy seconds?

Then I’ll tell them it’s not like that, because it’s not.

Was he really sacrificing his high school image to be friends with me? Social suicide?! I had nothing to lose. These weren’t my friends and I’d probably never go to Marc’s house again. Curiosity won and off we went.

Marc lived in an upper middle-class development. His house was disappointingly empty when we arrived. There was a couple of guys hanging out, Marc’s younger brother Matt was playing N64. Marc wasn’t even home yet. It was anticlimactic.

Do you want to take a walk?

Sure. We took off into the dark, this part of the neighborhood was foreign and like a maze. Don’t get us lost!

I won’t. I know where we are.

I believe him, and I trusted him. We walked and talked. At one point we cut between some houses. It was pitch black and the trees were so tall. Lights from the closest windows were off in the distance. The night was quiet and cool. The moon was bright. He pulled me to a stop. Looking up the stars freckling the sky. It was so beautiful we stood in silence just soaking the night in.

Let’s stop here for a little bit. I’m not in a rush to get back.

Me either, I thought. Lying in the grass, faces to the sky we considered a lot of different things that night. After some time, the cool grass sent a chill through me and I began to shiver.

Are you cold? He laughed, we can go soon.

I didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay with him just like this until I couldn’t stand it any longer.

Can I kiss you first, before we go?

I look up at him. The moon illuminated his face. Those big blue eyes sparkled. I shook my head. He moved in slow, hands on my cheeks. His mouth was warm and soft, his tongue sweet. O! how I wanted this for so long. His hands moved across my stomach, shifting my shirt, exposing my breasts.

He moved closer pressing his chest to mine. His body was strong and firm. His movement was deliberate and deft. I wanted him to want me and arched my back towards him. He kissed my neck as he moved his legs to straddle me. He sat up, looking down on me. His touch made my body ache, I wanted more. Shawn thrusted against my chest. I could feel his prick through his jeans.

Push your tits together. He inched his way closer. He was crawling his legs up my chest, eventually his thighs were over my arms.

Shawn began undoing his pants. What was happening?

He pushed his boxers down, pulled out his cock. It was already hard.

My eyes widened. What was he going to do with that? He thrusts hard between my breasts.

You don’t want to suck it?

I’m winced back, no.

Just suck it a little. You won’t know if you like unless you do it.

I was trapped. He legs held my arms as he sat on my chest. He pressed his dick against my lips.

C’mon! Suck it and we will leave. That’s the only way.

He had me, we both knew it. He pressed his prick to my lips. I didn’t want it like this. I wanted him, but not like this. He pressed harder and I shook my head. He rubbed the head of his cock against my mouth until the wetness parted my lips.

See! You’ve already tasted it, now you can just put it in your mouth. It’s no big deal.

I turned my head away, his precum smeared across my cheek. I turned back, Shawn pushed his cock into my mouth.

Shh… he started digging into my mouth. It’s already in. It’s OK, just take it.

I couldn’t stop it, my mouth relaxed.

There you go….

I was in shock and couldn’t believe this was happening. It wasn’t long before he came in my mouth. I could feel him pulsing with each pump.

Immediately after he stood, See, that wasn’t so bad, was it?

I rolled over and spit his semen into the grass.

He laughed, don’t like the taste, huh?

I stood with him and wiped my mouth on my sleeve.

Let’s go.

In silence we finished walking through that yard. Further up the street is Marc’s and I could see Shawn’s car in the drive. We were never far away, never lost. When we got back, more people had arrived, but we didn’t stay long. Shawn took me home. I didn’t hear from Shawn after that night.

I think about that night and often catch myself wondering about him. A few years after high school I ran into Marc’s bother Matt at a bar and asked about Shawn. He mentioned something about marriage, but I daydreamed about running into him again.

What would have happened if he hadn’t forced me and I was able to be with him when I was ready.

That didn’t happen. My first time was forced.

Given the chance, I’d still fuck him.

 
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Posted by on December 2, 2018 in Diary

 

Part 2 Sex and Violence

The next time.

Early in elementary school, Evelyn and I were best friends. She was a few months older and looked out for me when we played. I was a naïve, anxious child. If we stuck together, I knew everything would be fine. It wasn’t long after this that I almost drown in a pool. Evelyn jumped in and saved me. She never hesitated.

This one day while our moms were catching up, we played at her house with an older cousin. I was in second grade, she in third and her cousin in fourth or fifth.

Will they be OK together? Mom asked.

Evelyn’s mother, Iona reassured her. We would be fine. Three kids could keep an eye on each other and they are just in the other room.

Evelyn’s cousin said he had something to show us. What could it be? This boy I’ve never met wants to show me something. It didn’t make any sense. He didn’t know me; how could he know he had something I’d like.

I followed them into another room.

C’mere if you wanna see it.

He stepped into the open closet and sat down. Evelyn followed. I hesitated. Why do we need to sit in a closet for him to show us something? Evelyn’s face didn’t show the same concern.

It’s OK, she said.

Be brave. Be cool. I took a breath and stepped in.

After I sat, they closed the door. It was pitch black except for a strip of light from under the door.

Do you want to see it? He said.

See what?

The surprise. I’ll show you mine and you show me yours.

Mine what? I don’t have any surprise for him.

Do you want to see it?

Um… see what? And I don’t have anything to show.

Look, he says.

What am I looking at? It’s too dark to see anything.

Evelyn cracked the door and a sliver of light wedged open the darkness. He had his shorts pulled down with his penis exposed. It was the strangest thing I had ever seen. I didn’t understand it. It was alien and seemed to have too much going on.

Giggling Evelyn said, Isn’t it neat?

It’s your turn now. Show me yours, he says and points between my legs.

It’s OK, Evelyn reassured me. He’s seen mine already.

I don’t want to.

It’s OK, she says. See, and whips down her shorts and panties in one quick motion. See! No big deal. He shrugs too. No big deal.

It was no big deal, right? Evelyn seemed OK with it and I had already seen his. It’s only fair, right?

Nervously, I wiggled in my shorts and pulled one leg to the side.

I can’t see, he says, It’s OK. No one will know.

I thought if I hurried up and got it over with that it would be OK. Wiggling more, I tried one last time to show him.

Take them off. It’s easier.

No, that’s it. I held my pants as far to the side as I could.

He peered down and looked at me. I didn’t understand what he was looking at; there wasn’t anything to see.

With a reaching hand he says, Open up.

No, I said and quickly covered myself.

It’s OK. I wasn’t going to hurt you.

That didn’t matter. I didn’t want him touching me at all.

I stood and left the closet, door wide open. He scrambled to pull up his pants, but I never looked back.

 
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Posted by on October 1, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

A Girl’s World of Sex and Violence

The first time was in kindergarten.

A new family had moved to the neighborhood. They had a lot of kids: three girls in the middle and boys on end. The baby was still in a diaper while the eldest was in fifth or sixth grade. When that house full of kids moved in, the noise became constant. They were always running amok. With that many kids it became pack mentality, a tumbleweed of never-ending chaos. It was the middle of Winter. My older sister and I were bundled up playing in the snow. The neighbors were running wild like always, in and out of the house. Laughter, screaming and blurs of kids whizzing past. The girls were always scheming. Two would whisper, one would run off, the third would come out of nowhere, then laugh and scatter.

giggling…, C’mere, we want to show you something.

Nichole and I followed the girls, we had never been in their house before. Are you sure it’s OK?

Yea, our parents aren’t home.

Who was watching all these kids? What do they do when they get hungry? It was dark inside.

Follow us.

Giggling they walked down the hall. The younger two took off while the eldest sister led our way. Nichole followed and I behind her. We walked into the darkness but halfway down a beam of light cut in from the right. Laughter increased as we approached the light. The sister and Nichole passed the light without noticed. I was transfixed. The heat in the home was overwhelming and had me pulling on my jacket for air. This alien world that I had wondered about was opening before my eyes. These kids were wild, and I needed to see how they lived. Excitement was building as I approached. The light was blinding in the midst of the darkness. Someone’s bedroom. The younger girls were gathered around laughing. The baby pushed past me to get in. He didn’t even have a diaper on. The snickering grew I looked to the center of the room: the older brother was sitting on the bed. His sisters huddled around, their faces beaming, yellow hair glowing with the light. Laughing and laughing. I looked around at each of them and couldn’t figure out what was so funny. Then my eyes locked on the elder brother. No shirt; I looked further. He was leaning back on his elbows surrounded by sisters, nude, legs splayed. Shocked, I froze. Raucous laughter shook the room as I stood in the door way. The howling was deafening. I panicked and ran home crying the whole way.

Nichole ran after me. When she caught up she asked why I was crying. Didn’t you see? See what, she asked. The brother didn’t have any pants on. Where was he, she asked. In the room. O, she says, I didn’t see him. I didn’t even look.

 
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Posted by on September 28, 2018 in Uncategorized

 

OITNB – meaningful, beautiful but temporary

Yoga Jones: Do you know what a mandala is?

Piper Chapman: Um, those are those round Buddhist art things.

Yoga Jones: The Tibetan monks make then out of dark sand laid out into big beautiful designs. And when they’re done, after days or weeks of work, they wipe it all away.

Piper Chapman: Wow, that’s, that’s a lot.

Yoga Jones: Try to look at your experience here as a mandala, Chapman. Work hard to make something as meaningful and beautiful as you can. And when your done, pack it in and know it was all temporary.

 
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Posted by on December 17, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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Foolish

Sometimes I fall in love
When I know it’d hurt too much
But I keep coming back
Just to taste this pain again
I don’t know why I can’t
just let you go
Why can’t I let you know
how much I love you
And that it hurts me too
And I’m done playing the fool for you

When you call my name
And say you feel the same
Part of me falls and part of me cries
Maybe I’m partially to blame
Cuz I never told you
I need to hold you
Need you to hold me close too
Don’t let me go
Please let me know
I’m the only one for you

Sometimes I fall in love
when I know it’d hurt too much
But I keep coming back
Just to taste this pain again
I don’t know why I can’t
just let you go
Why can’t I let you know
how much I love you
And that it hurts me too
And I’m done playing the fool for you

Cuz you’ll never let me know
You’ll just let me go
Kiss me then leave me all alone
I can’t keep falling apart
Mend pieces of a broken heart
I’ve got to find
My piece of mind
With more than what you’ve shown

Sometimes I fall in love
when I know it’d hurt too much
But I keep coming back
Just to taste this pain again
I don’t know why I can’t
just let you go
Why can’t I let you know
how much I love you
And that it hurts me too
And I’m done playing the fool for you
Wish I was done playing the fool
Your love is something more than cruel
When you call my name
And say you feel the same
Part of me falls and part of me cries
Maybe I’m partially to blame
I never told you
I need to hold you
Need you to hold me close too
Don’t let me go
Please let me know
I’m the only one for you

 
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Posted by on October 27, 2017 in Uncategorized

 

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